Dreaming with a Broken Heart *complete*

[Bright Eyes]

Poor, poor Sam.

I could just see her mentally counting those statistics - she needed to keep her mind occupied in some way, otherwise she'd go insane.
And she was stunned into silence and shock when VanDoren delivered the stunning blow.
I loved the way Viv took control when she saw the state Sam was in. The team are her family and they will surely take care of her.
I wonder if the others will defy orders and keep working the case?

This development could send poor Sam over the edge. Or, maybe Sam will feel empowered into doing a bit of investigating of her own?

Terrific update RR! And thanks for the 'Sam angst' warning. I'm prepared!!!

[rrsherlock]

A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews!

Chapter 9—It Wasn’t Brian


Wrapped in a blanket and in Martin’s arms, Samantha felt more secure, but still had yet to say anything. She heard Martin whisper in her ear, “I’m here for you, sweetheart.” Sam once thought that words of endearment were dumb and just something girls in movies and romance novels wanted. But now that her whole world had fallen apart, his words meant more, the term ‘sweetheart’ spoken out of love and affection working like a balm on her abused heart. She had called Nicholas ‘sweetheart’ once and it felt a little odd, so she had stuck to ‘darling’ for her precious boy. Would she ever get to say that to him again? Sam shuddered once and then wrapped her arms around Martin, grabbing now at the back of his jacket instead of the lapels. Then, as if from a great distance, Samantha heard Jack speak, “Take her home, Martin. Nothing else is going to happen today.” And then she felt herself being lifted and her ears popped as the elevator descended. Then she let herself drift and surrendered to the oblivion only sleep could bring.

Danny heard Jack tell Martin to take Sam home and he quickly volunteered to drive, “Come on, man. I’ll drive your car and then catch a cab back here. There are a couple of leads yet I want to follow up on.”

Once Danny was certain that Samantha was safe in Martin’s apartment, he quickly made his way back to the office where he spent several long moments wrapped in Elena’s arms being both comforted and offering comfort.

In Martin’s apartment, things were quiet. Samantha was still holding on to him for dear life, but had yet to break down and cry. In truth, Martin was beginning to worry. Surely shutting down was not the best answer and what about the long-term effects? Despite her slight weight gain from the pregnancy, Samantha felt light in his arms, but he couldn’t hold her forever. He noticed she had slept most of the way to his apartment, but woke once he accidentally bumped her knee against the car door.

“Hey, Sam? How about a hot bubble bath?” Martin suggested one of her favorite ways to relax hoping to coax her into some kind of response.

It wasn’t the response he was hoping for, but Sam lifted her head and met his gaze before nodding and unwinding herself from his grasp. She stood unsteadily on her feet, so he scooped her up again, leaving the blanket on the floor where it had fallen. He took her to the bathroom and after setting her down on the edge of the tub, began filling it, adding the last of the bottle of bubble bath she had left at his place before they broke up. For some reason, Martin never found the heart to throw it out before or give it back for that matter. Right now, he was extremely grateful for his lack of follow-through.

Once the tub was filled, Martin turned to Samantha with a bit of trepidation. Sure, she had been letting him hold her while she pumped, but would she want him here while she got into the tub? He decided to give her an out, “Why don’t I go grab something to drink while you get in?”

“OK,” was her quiet answer, “Apple juice?” Sam was stuck on it. It seemed to settle both her stomach and her inner child at the same time. Always as a kid when she drank apple juice it reminded her of summer when she didn’t have any worries. More recently, it started as a pregnancy craving, and kind of stayed after Nicholas was born.

Martin smiled at her, “Of course. I’ll be right back,” and he kissed her temple before leaving her alone.

By the time he returned, Sam was up to her chin in bubbles and had her head tipped back leaning on the edge of the tub with her eyes closed. “Here you go,” Martin handed her a glass of juice, “and if you sit up a little, I could get your back if you want.” He wanted to be supportive without invading her space. He had some idea of what was going through her mind, but his aunt only went missing for less than a day. Martin was afraid if Sam didn’t start to open up, she’d shut down completely and that instead of going back to work, she’d be going to Bellevue.

“It wasn’t Brian,” Martin said quietly as he ran a washcloth over her back, “Danny and Elena checked.”

Sam nodded, “Yeah, I know it wasn’t him.”

“How do you know?” Martin was genuinely puzzled. How had she known Brian had nothing to do with the kidnapping?

“He sent me a postcard,” Sam sighed, “About three weeks after Nicholas was born I got a postcard from Maui. He said he would respect my wishes, but if I ever wanted to contact him, if I ever wanted Nicholas to know his father, that I shouldn’t have to raid the FBI computers to do it.”

“Oh,” Martin couldn’t think of anything more articulate to say. Then he had to ask, “So do you?”

Sam turned her head to look at him, “Do I what?”

“Want Nicholas to know his father?”

With a shake of her head, Sam said, “No. I’ll admit, getting pregnant from a one-night stand wasn’t my most shining moment, but I was never looking to Brian for a long-term relationship. Once I figured out that I really was pregnant, all I wanted was to raise my child. Having an abortion wasn’t an option for me. And having a guy I hardly know in my life forever? Not something I really wanted either.”

“I thought you were trying to get to know him better,” Martin commented.

She tipped her head to the side, “You know what they say? That the moment is never the same twice? Well, I think that describes my relationship with Brian perfectly. At the time, he was exactly what I needed. I just got careless. But look what I got from my carelessness! The most beautiful little boy anyone could want, and …” her voice trailed off as she realized what she didn’t have anymore.

Martin continued to wash her back, comforting her in the only way he knew how at the moment. He decided to let her pick up the conversation again when she was ready. The last thing Martin wanted to do was force her.

After several quiet minutes, Sam once again turned her head, “Could you take me over to my apartment? I need clothes for tomorrow.”

Puzzled over the sudden shift of topics, Martin asked, “Clothes? You’ve got clothes here, Sam.”

She shook her head, “Not work clothes. I can’t sit idle in that room anymore. I need to keep my mind busy. I can’t just keep thinking about what I should have done or what could be happening to him or where he could be. I just can’t anymore. I’ll talk to Jack in the morning. I’ll do all the background and credit checks for your cases. I don’t want to be out on a case, but I don’t want to just sit either.”

“Sure, Sam,” Martin leaned forward and kissed her cheek lightly, “whatever you want.”

Martin’s words rang in her head as she stepped from the tub and began to dry herself off. His words had only one answer in Samantha’s opinion, ‘Whatever I want? Yeah right! What I want, I don’t have anymore.’

[Bright Eyes]

Sam's nightmare seems as though it'll never end, doesn't it?

Her silence and apparent 'shutting down' is very worrying, but at least Martin is being there for her.
It was so sweet that he remembered she liked to soak in the tub and how telling to me that he never got rid of the bottle of bubble bath. Perhaps by holding on to it, he felt like he was holding on to Sam in some way.

It must be so awkward for him, not knowing what to say and afraid of overstepping the boundaries. But Sam seems comfortable around him and he was even able to get her to open up a little about Nicholas and Brian.

I think it's a good idea that she return to work - she'll be with people who care about her and it'll take her mind off what's happened. And I still have a sneaking suspicion that the team will secretly continue to work the case.

Terrific stuff RR!!!

[cludwig]

I feel so terrible for Sam. While it is by no means making up for her baby boy not being there, I am still so very glad Martin is there for her. Really trying to give her the best he is able to, trying to take clues from her what she needs. I love that, and that Sam chooses Martin to take care of her.

[brittanyleann]

this fic has turned into an awesome story. and i totally do feel bad for sam. i would feel bad for anyone in this situation. and martin is so sweet. too bad there can't be more guys like him around. lol hope nicholas is okay. update soon.

[rrsherlock]

A/N: thanks for all the reviews!! And check me out -- 190 posts! Ok, so I'm still a rookie, but man is this board fun!!

Once again, there is a Spanish dictionary at the end of the chapter for those of you who don't speak the language. For me, it just makes Danny and Elena feel more real and natural to have them speak Spanish, but I don't want to leave anyone out of the fun and conversation. Besides, my friends and I speak Spanish like this so it would be really odd for me not to write the two hispanics without the Spanish.

Happy reading!



Chapter 10—Her State of Mind

“What the hell is she doing working?” Danny pounced on Martin before he even had a chance to sip his coffee as they watched Samantha go into the interview room with a laptop and case files in hand.

Martin sighed quietly, “She said last night that she just can’t sit around any more. That every time she does, she thinks of all the things she should have done or what might be happening to Nicholas and she can’t do that anymore. So we came in a little early, she talked to Jack and she’s going to handle the in-house end of our cases.”

Danny’s eyes got wide, “She volunteered to do desk work?”

“I wouldn’t say she really likes it, Danny,” Martin paused for some coffee, “But really, it’s the best option at the moment. She can’t go out in the field until she gets her gun back and she knows that if she’s in the field, she’ll be looking for Nicholas. Not exactly the best if you’re going to trust her to watch your back.”

“Yeah, I guess…but,” Danny was interrupted.

“Morning, boys. What’s new?” Vivian asked.

“Sam’s working background checks. Voluntarily!” Danny commented, astonished that Sam would willingly do the very part of the job she didn’t like the most.

Vivian just nodded, “That’s very smart of her. Martin, how was she after you left here yesterday?”

Danny held up a hand, “Un momento, Viv. Why do you say that Sam working the desk is smart?”

With a quiet sigh, Vivian turned to her Latino co-worker, “Danny, she’s smart because by working, she won’t be thinking about Nicholas all the time. By working, she can focus on something outside of herself. By working, she might just come out of this ordeal sane and not locked in a mental institution.”

“Dr. Harris agrees and I tried to tell you that, too,” Martin added. “I was really afraid for her sanity last night. She hardly said a word.”

“And when she did finally say something?” Vivian asked gently.

Martin ran a hand through his hair, “Well, we talked about Brian. She knew he had nothing to do with this.”

Danny interrupted, “How? I mean, we didn’t tell her anything.”

“He sent her a postcard from Hawaii,” Martin explained, “He said he would respect Sam’s wishes, but didn’t want her to have to break the law again if she wanted to find him. Then we talked about a bit about choices and then she asked me to take her to her apartment for work clothes.”

“And how was that?” Vivian was curious how that trip went.

Martin shrugged, “She was pretty quiet all the way there and then once we were at her place, she avoided Nicholas’ room and got us out of there in under fifteen minutes.”

“Did she say anything on the way back?” Danny was beginning to pick up on the worry that Vivian and Martin were experiencing. Samantha not talking was never a good thing. That girl could talk his ear off when she put her mind to it. Danny could really only remember one other time when Sam went quiet—right about the time she and Martin broke up.

“Not much, but she did speculate that whoever has Nicholas must be taking good care of him. She hopes that whoever these people are, that they’re loving him and making sure that he has what he needs,” Martin closed his eyes and remembered how small Sam looked in the passenger seat talking about her son. How quiet her words were, and how hopeful she sounded. Martin knew that Samantha talking about Nicholas with him was a big deal and he hoped she continued to confide in him.

“So is she going to stay with you still?” Danny asked with a bit of gleam in his eye.

Vivian slugged his arm, “Of course she’s going to still stay with Martin, Danny. But whatever you’re thinking—just knock it off! This isn’t the time or the place!” And with that, she headed off to the bullpen to get her day started.

Elena rounded the corner just in time to hear the end of Viv’s statement, “Uh-oh, Danny, ¿qué dijiste? What did you say to make Martin look so mad?”

“¡Nada! No, really Elena, it was nothing!” Danny tried to defend himself.

Martin nodded, “It’s ok, Elena. Danny was just being his own charming self and insinuating that something would be happening between Samantha and me. Really, Danny, Viv is right. This is neither the time nor the place.”

“All right, team, let’s gather ‘round!” Jack bellowed as he passed the trio in the hallway. “Sam’s done the preliminary background on our latest missing person. Meet Christopher Schroeder, 33, executive assistant in the Wayne Advertising Agency and missing for nearly twenty hours.”

===========================

Spanish dictionary:
un momento = one moment
¿qué dijiste? = What did you say?
¡Nada! = Nothing!
.

[specialfrog]

i just read this for the 1st time- brilliant! Love it hon- please update soon

[Bright Eyes]

It's good to see that Sam followed through with her decision to return to work. Even if it means she's doing boring stuff, at least she's keeping her mind occupied.

Danny, why don't you think things through sometimes and not wait for Martin or Viv to hand you the answers?? You'd have realised that it is the best thing Sam can do. She needs this, otherwise she'll end up in a psychiatric ward, just like Viv and Martin said.

When Martin described the events of their trip to Sam's place to pick up her clothes and the car journey back to his place, my heart just sank for her and the pain she's in.

And Danny, you and your big mouth. How you could even suggest that something could happen between Martin and Sam at the moment is beyond me. Shame on you! FYI Danny, we hope something happens after Nicholas is found and home, safe and sound. Sheesh!!

Wonderful update RR!! And congrats on 190 posts!! In my mind, you're not a rookie at all!! ;D

[cludwig]

Gee Danny, this was not one of your finer moments, was it ? Even for him to think such thing, but to say it out loud !!! Seriously, that's bad.

I am so glad Sam has Martin as her true friend and she's able to open up as best she can with him. Allows him to take care of her and take charge a bit.

[PlainJaneIAm]

Great updates! I'm glad that Sam is at least making an effort to get back to her normal, everyday routine. It'll do her alot of good I'm sure. At least now maybe she won't be constantly wondering 'what if?'. That would drive anyone to insanity!!

Well it's good that Martin is willing to look out for her during all of this. She needs someone trustworthy that she can depend on!! Love it!!!

[rrsherlock]

A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews!

Chapter 11—Waiting for the Other Shoe

After a week, Samantha’s hope dwindled. Everyone around her could tell. She hardly spoke to anyone unless it had something to do with a case. Except at night, and then she would lean her head on Martin’s shoulder and talk to him about the case or their co-workers, but rarely about Nicholas.

The days continued to pass. Samantha kept to the interrogation room to do her work, never entering into the bullpen except to brief the team about her findings and then scuttling back to her self-imposed exile before she could catch the smallest glance at the pictures on her desk. It wasn’t the best working situation, but unless someone complained, and Jack was still willing to go along with it, there was no way Samantha was going to go back into the bullpen full-time until her son had been found.

Emily came by almost every day. Sometimes she stayed for an hour or two, but usually she stayed most of the day, springing for lunch and making sure Sam ate. About nine days after Nicholas’ kidnapping, Emily couldn’t hide her problem from her little sister anymore—especially after three bites of lunch she had to sprint to the bathroom.

“When were you going to tell me, Em?” Sam asked as she handed her sister some damp paper towels.

“Remember we had a lunch date scheduled for the day after Nicholas was taken?” Emily watched her nod, “Then. I was going to tell you at lunch.”

Sam watched her for a few moments, “You’re excited, aren’t you? It’s ok if you are, Emmy. You should be. Is Andrew?”

A soft smile pulled at Emily’s lips, “Yeah, he’s really excited, and so am I. I waited so long after marrying him that I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t want a child with Andrew.”

“I’m really glad for you, Emily. Andrew too.” Sam sighed and then said wistfully, “Nicholas is going to have a cousin and he doesn’t even know it!”

Emily finally was able to get off the bathroom floor and pulled her sister into her arms, “He will soon enough, Sam. He’ll be home before you know it and we’ll get to watch our kids grow up together. You’ll see!”

Before she left that afternoon, Emily went to find Martin. She found him, along with Vivian, Elena and Danny out on the porch trying to find solace in the late afternoon sun. She coughed lightly, “Hi. I was just wondering something.”

Danny raised an eyebrow, “What would that be?”

“Has Sam lost it? I mean, truly lost it? Broken down weeping, hysterics, that kind of thing?”

Everyone shook their heads, but Vivian asked, “Why?”

Emily shrugged, “I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, she’s experienced the worst thing a mother could and less than two weeks after the fact, she’s calmly walking around the office? This is not normal. This isn’t Sam.”

Martin nodded, “I agree it isn’t normal, but for not being Sam, well, I think I beg to differ.”

“What do you mean?” Elena asked as she leaned into Danny.

“You know we broke up before you joined the team, right?” Martin watched her nod and continued, “Well, it wasn’t until about four months after you joined the team that she blew up at me for breaking up with her. Sorry, Emily, but Sam isn’t the same as when you two were growing up, she’s learned the art of holding a grudge.”

“That’s all well and good, Martin,” Emily conceded, “but she’s going to still break down at some point, and when she does…”

“We’ll be sure to call you if you’re not here,” Vivian finished, “because I know she’ll need you as much as she needs us.”

[Bright Eyes]

Damn, can't post full reviews tonight!

I thought Emily's news might have been the thing to send Sam over the edge, but I was wrong.
Lord, at this stage I'm starting to lose hope - how is Sam coping?

Excellent update!

[cludwig]

You are planning on Nicholas being found, aren't you ? No, no, at this point is is a rhetorical question, but I am starting to lose hope here ... I am so glad Sam can rely on Martin for unwinding and such after work.

And in a way I get why she almost pushes Nicholas disappearance aside. Maybe it's related to suppressing memories in a way. How the psyche has a way to 'protect' a person from things that are too awful to consciously deal with at the time.

I'm really curious to see how you have this develop.

[PlainJaneIAm]

Great update!

It's so depressing though! I really hope they find Nicholas soon. I don't know how they'll be able to help her when the other shoe does inevitably drop. Please tell me they're going to find him soon.

[rrsherlock]

To answer Bright Eyes - Sam's coping skills are more apparent in this next chapter ;D
For cludwig - of course! Just have patience!!
For Plain Jane -- not just yet. Please keep reading!!

To those of you reading - my most heartfelt thanks! Now, on with the story!

A/N: this chapter is about 17 days after Nicholas' kidnapping.



Chapter 12—His and Hers Confessions

Sometimes at night, Martin would watch Samantha as she sat on the sofa and pretended to watch TV. She would close her eyes and Martin could tell she was thinking about Nicholas. More often than not, her arms would move of their own volition and hold the teddy bear as if it were the baby. It was tearing Martin apart not being able to help her more—not being able to find Nicholas and put him back in his mother’s arms where he belonged. One night he dreamt just that and he sent yet another silent prayer skyward that he would be able to make his dream a reality.

It happened slowly, really. The day he asked her to come over was because she didn’t need to be alone in her apartment without her son and then, one day, after nearly a week and a half, he started to notice how much he liked having her around again. At first, it was strange sleeping with her again—especially since they were doing just that—sleeping. But as the days passed, Martin found himself turning to her more. It was like an instinct. He had to make sure she was all right—well, as all right as the situation warranted. It was funny, because she was there for him too. Every time he turned around with a problem about a case or was just not having the best day, there she was, bringing him a fresh cup of coffee or just a quick hug.

Two weeks and three days after Nicholas’ kidnapping, the team was handed another kidnapping case. This time, a non-custodial father took his six-year-old daughter in broad daylight from the park where she was playing with some of her friends. They found the father and daughter unharmed waiting for the next bus to Chicago less than five hours after being handed the case. The worst part was interviewing the daughter. The little girl confirmed the father’s fears—her new stepfather was abusing her. Jack called Lisa Harris and CPS and sent his weary team home.

Samantha didn’t say a word all the way to Martin’s. When he asked what she wanted to eat, all she could do was shrug.

Martin wasn’t too concerned, she had gone silent before and he trusted the fact that she would speak when she was ready. After a quick change into some sweats and a t-shirt, he made them grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Martin needed the comfort food just as much as Samantha tonight. When he saw that she was still in her work clothes, he made her change clothes before bundling them both in blankets on the couch for dinner. They ate in comfortable silence before Sam put her soup mug down on the coffee table and looked at him.

“What is it, Sam?”

“I was just thinking about you,” she answered quietly.

Martin put his own mug onto the coffee table and tried to master his shock, “Anything good?”

She nodded, “Very good. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come to my rescue—again.”

“What do you mean ‘again’?”

“Well, the first time was the warehouse. You remember, Jack’s supposed last case before moving to Chicago,” she smiled at him.

He squeezed her knee, “I remember. Were there other times?”

“Tons,” Sam pulled the tie from her hair and ran her hands through the blond mess. “You probably don’t even know that you rescued me, but you did. Every time you smiled at me, brought me lunch, asked if I was ok, and hundreds of other things.”

“Oh,” Martin was floored. That Samantha would open up about her feelings about him was the last on a very long list of things Martin thought Sam would ever talk about. “What brought this on?”

“Your trust. I know that if I had gone this quiet with Danny he’d have been pestering me to talk after about eight minutes. I swear he can’t stand the silence!” Sam began to chuckle, “Do you know he even sleeps with the radio on?”

“Yeah,” Martin grinned at her, “But only because of that conference we went to in Atlanta a couple of years ago. Good thing it didn’t bother me, or I’d have been really cranky!”

Sam gave him a small smile, “You always are a bear without enough sleep.”

They lapsed back into the comfortable silence. Martin thought about taking the dishes to the sink but was too comfortable on the couch. He looked over at Sam. She had the bear in her arms again, but seemed restless, shifting and seemingly unable to get comfortable. Martin pulled the blanket off his legs and patted the spot beside him, “Come lie down here, Sam. You’ll be more comfortable.”
She looked at him for a moment before complying. Sam laid her head on his chest and sighed contentedly, “How come you have to be so right?”

“Part of my charm,” Martin quipped. It had only been a little over two weeks, but having her in his arms on the couch felt so right. “Sam?”

“What? Am I hurting you?” she caught the hesitation in his voice and hoped she wouldn’t have to move; being in his arms felt so natural.

“No, you’re not hurting me. But I haven’t been completely honest with you these past couple of days.”

When he spoke, his voice resonated in his chest and kind of tickled her cheek, but his statement was too serious not to make eye contact, so Sam lifted her head, “Not completely honest? About what?”

Martin reached over and ran a finger down the side of her face, laying his whole hand there when she leaned into his touch, “I haven’t been honest about how I feel about having you here. I like it, Sam. I like it a lot and I’ve realized just how much I’ve missed you,” he admitted quietly.

Sam couldn’t stop the tear from rolling down her cheek before she smirked and teased, “But we see each other nearly every day at work.” If truth were told, Samantha felt the same way, but he had dumped her and broken her heart. Yes, she was mostly to blame, but when he slammed the door in her face that night and reiterated that it was over between them, well, she spent more than one night crying herself to sleep. There was a part of her that needed him to grovel a little, butter her up and ask her for a second chance before she gave in to what they both obviously wanted.

“Sam,” Martin said seriously.

She reached up and put a finger to his lips, “I’ve missed you too, Marty. I’ve never felt about anyone else the way I feel about you.”

“How’s that?” he asked as he began to stroke her back the way he knew she liked.

“I think…I think you’re my best friend, Martin. These past few weeks, you’ve done everything right. You’ve been there for me when I really needed someone without hesitation or reservations. Every time I’ve turned around looking for you, you were already there; like you knew I needed you already,” Sam shyly hid her face into his chest, “Like you were when we were dating and I was too stubborn to see how wonderful you are.”

“Oh, Sam,” Martin started, “about that…”

Sam met his gaze and shook her head, “No, Marty, I screwed up. I know that now.”

This time, it was Martin who silenced her with a finger to her lips, “I’ll admit, Sam, there were things about you that really irritated me—especially when you wouldn’t acknowledge our relationship with our friends. But if truth be told, I think I screwed up more than you. You told me on more than one occasion that your childhood wasn’t the best and you hinted at how much your father leaving hurt you and I wasn’t patient enough. Especially when you said you’d go to Stephanie’s wedding,” he paused before taking one of the biggest risks of his life, “Sam, I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re my best friend too. Especially with all the stupidity of those damn pills. You’ve changed, you’re more open and I’d be a fool not to ask you for a second chance.”

“So what happens now?” she whispered, half in fear and half in hope of what he would say.

“What do you want to happen, Sam?” Martin was fully aware that she was completely in the right to make him beg and plead to be let back into her life.

She closed her eyes, “I want my son back, Marty.” Sam felt him reaching up and wiping the tears that flowed down her face, “I need you to keep me sane and make everything alright again.”

“I’ll be here as long as you need me, Sam. And when I can put Nicholas back into your arms, then we can talk about where we want to go from there,” Martin cradled her to his chest and let her cry. After a while, his shirt was fairly damp, but he didn’t mind.

“Are you mad at me for sleeping with Brian?” Sam asked, muffled by the cloth of his shirt.

Martin pulled her face out of his chest so he could look her in the eyes, “No, Sam. I’m not mad; at least not at you. I think I’m madder at myself for letting you go and hurting you so that you sought comfort from a stranger rather than with me.” Martin swallowed hard and admitted what he had carefully hidden from her for almost a year, “I’m mostly mad at myself because I know that if I hadn’t pushed you away, Nicholas would be mine.”

She grew silent, digesting what he just told her. After a few minutes she picked up the thread of conversation again, “So what are we going to do when we find him?” Sam asked quietly.

Part of Martin cheered to hear her say ‘when,’ “What ever you want.”

“He kind of looks like you, Marty,” Sam lay her head back down on his chest, “His eyes are just your color.”

“Yeah, I kind of noticed that,” Martin said with a small chuckle.

“What will we tell him when he’s older?”

Martin brushed the hair from her face, “What ever you want, Sam; although I am willing to adopt him officially. Brian already signed away his rights. Nicholas wouldn’t have to know unless you want him to.”

“No,” Sam sat up and faced him, “No, no secrets, Martin. We can’t build something solid on a lie. No, I’ll—we’ll tell Nicholas we weren’t together and Mommy got drunk and lonely.”

“How about ‘Daddy hurt Mommy’s feelings and sometimes the best things in life come from our worst mistakes’?” he picked up her hand a placed a kiss on her palm.

Sam pressed her hand to her chest, “You’ve thought about this a lot. You’re serious.”

He nodded, “Never more serious than anything I’ve ever said in my life, Sam. Having you here, taking care of you and having you take care of me, I never want that to stop.” Martin took a deep breath before continuing, “I love you, Samantha; I’m probably more in love with you now than I was three years ago.”

She couldn’t help the tear that ran down her cheek, “Me too. I mean, I—I love you too, Martin. I think I always have,” Sam admitted quietly.

Martin thumbed her cheek, “Don’t cry, sweetheart, it breaks my heart,” he glanced at the clock on his cable box, “Come on, it’s getting late.” He stood and helped her stand as well, but before he moved another inch, he pulled her close and kissed her deeply. “I love you, Sam. Come to bed and let me hold you tight.”

Tucking the bear under her arm, Samantha nodded and let him lead her down the hall.